My daughter is a freshman in high school and navigating the world of relationships ~ friendships, dating, friend groups and break-ups.

And the most important relationship she will ever have, her relationship with herself.  

We all remember receiving the same advice ~ "love yourself first".  It is so simple (and true) but so difficult to navigate.  

And sometimes I feel at a loss to guide my daughter.  Even with all my questing to make a good life, I have found myself in a few abusive relationships and in even more unhealthy relationships (romances and friendships).  I have learned to draw very clear boundaries and my expectations for relationships have shifted.  Finally, I am surrounded by a small circle of healthy people and healthy relationships.  But this shift didn't happen until my late 30's.







I hope my daughter can shift her expectations a lot quicker than I was able to!  So she can use her energy to make an amazing life and to grow her talents, instead of wasting her energy on manipulative people and time-sucking relationships.  And just as importantly, I want her to be the best person she can be ~ a healthy, happy person, stable in her own life and able to be a good friend and a good partner.






As I make this journey, I want to share some resources I have found, in case you find yourself on the same journey and want a place to start.  We all want our children to have a life better than our own, to learn from our mistakes, instead of mistaking our life choices for the "right" life choices.

Good luck and be well ~ love yourself well and love others well.

First things first, how do you know if a relationship is healthy?

This "relationship spectrum" really helps identify and define the health (or lack thereof) in your relationship.  Please click on the image below to explore the spectrum at the original source:




Hopefully the resources above have given you a clearer picture of your relationships and your role in your relationships.  

The graphic below helps solidify what healthy relationships look like:





So, an important step toward creating healthy relationships is being able to identify healthy relationships while at the same time being able to recognize when a relationship is unhealthy.  

Leaving unhealthy relationships is paramount but it is also essential to be able to recognize the aspects within yourself that contribute to unhealthy relationships.  

And this is where you HAVE to learn to love and respect yourself.  I have said it before and I will say it again, "it is just that simple, it is just that hard!"  Once you are able to tend to yourself and care for yourself, you will know how and be able to love and tend to other.!  At that point, you are ready and able to sustain healthy relationships.





So, let's take the most important journey ~ the journey to self-respect and self-love.

These are some resources for cultivating a healthy relationship with yourself:  

How to Develop Self-Love & Why This Will Strengthen Your Relationship (Brad Alexander)

7 Ways to Start a Relationship with Yourself (Amanda Froelich)

Balancing Codependent Tendencies:  Improving Relationships through Self-Care (Yvonne Sinclair)






This is a small place to start ~ the ideas and advice are universal.  The trick is to take the first step, then the next ~ it takes great discipline to make a healthy life.  Every moment you re-commit.  Because at the end of the day, only one person can make your life good. (you know who that person is!)

Happy journeys and best wishes!

i cannot breathe, for the garden in my lungs.

and my heart,
this bleeding heart?

i remember, long ago
it grew over the
door that led down
to the root cellar.

i remember the tornado, and
hiding in the cold, wet.
the smell of stone and rain
drenched dirt.

and the kittens?

"oh, little one,

they have drowned", beneath
the fragile, broken hearted
blooms, laid open and
to rest,
 by the hand of the wicked wind.

and usually, in the wind
I find my friends.

the feathered ones and the spinning
ones, the silent floating seeds that
 will find a new world or
create a new world.

sometimes, the very thing
that makes us,
breaks us.

and perhaps we are born again,
or perhaps we sleep in the heavy
peace of those that do not remember.

or maybe, we are holy, and what we
were returns into the soul of the universe.

so we continue, but we do not know
ourselves, or recognize even a shard.

           i remember a girl,
           and she was mostly forgotten.
           even in her own time.

           a gone girl.

           one day, another girl who was
           always remembered, said, 
           "your hair looks nice today"

           and the forgotten one, felt
           the sun shine on her face.

           and every day, after that one day,
           she wore hair in the same way.

           and she prayed that some one would notice
           her and say,
           "you are nice today"

i wince when i think of her,
i hope she found her sun.
i hope she remembered that
she is her own shine.

today the daffodils bloomed, one at a time.
right before winter returned.

together we will be yellow in this
white storm.  it is still many days
before the black storms.
these will be my darkest days.
the days of the great cleansing.

time to let it go.

time to step into the drift,
on the other side,

a bleeding heart,
laid open,
soft and fragrant,
against a sky full
of bruises and light.