these are the paths we go down ~

this hummingbird highway, a rainbow
shadow, our Belizean blue dreams.

the ocean, the ocean waves (the hurricane)
the way we move and sway.

so stay, and stay and stay.

sunshine soaked bones.

you hold me, while I do the soft sink.
you hold me, while i forget the dark star.

you have sepia memories of the torn heart.

i thought i would die.

but i only grew cold and slow, tired and bewildered.
lost wonder.

rock a-bye,

~ sigh ~

tear in my eye.

the walls are rich
with your laughter.

my life is a
cathedral to
you.

i am a poor church,
i will not deny it.

and i fail you, i fail you  . . .  again.

i am more than i imagined,
because i have loved you.

you were imagined from hope
and love, tender things,
things that cannot be real
in this way of seeing.

but tilt your head, look
beyond the wind, behind
the light in the air, there and there ~
see the way the fish and the gentle
ripples make their own reality?

the universe in the water,
water in the universe.

here.

the babe holds to the magdalene.

the babe holds to the clay.

this law of nature.
this pardon of fate.

be and being, you are yours,
you are no other's.

not even mine,
i know, i did not make you.

the fire will burn,
i know it.

the earth will turn,
i know it.

time will quiet,
itself,
in the end.

i know it.

but when i first
held you.

the world
without you?

i will never
understand it.

ghosts in the water.

unsettled hearts, souls left to wonder.

i have planted and left
100 gardens, gullible flowers
left to wild beds.

the tolling bell and the wrens' song.
leaves me undone, lost to the undoing.

i am the lightening storm,
           this electric swarm.

promises and lies,
shouted truth and whispered story.

the killers come and they are not quiet,
in their gentleman's quest,
they are leather-bound and painted,
kissing steel and lead,
crosses and old bones.

you know them by the names they call themselves:

healer, lover, husband, priest, shaman, leader.
heedless and headless and ruled by slander.

but i am the great mitigator.

your protector from the sun, the insane light,
the surging radiation,
from the cold, deep reaching fingers
of oxygen(less) space.

i am the opposite of your medicine traditions.

i am the only god you truly know.

you see me everyday, you have grown use to me,
you do not know me for the wild thing i was born to be.

you abuse me in your desperation to be King.
to out run and over take your mortality.

and so, i crown you King,
       of nothing.

as you wish, so be it.

in your own extinction, you take from me
some shred of your own destiny.

and for this moment, i am marked by you.
this chapter in my story, defined by you.

but all in all.




you are a tattoo, painful
now when fresh but soon
to fade.

i cannot know what will be next,

i will lie fallow while
your bones become the

stardust haze of
my next beginning.

and my ears must be shells.

i can hear the ocean,
when i close my eyes.

my skin grows soft with
the salt and sand.

my skin grows dark
covered by the light.

we hold hands, we laugh.
walking with the moon's pull.

this crash and this ebb.

this sweet heart break.

this starry sky.

the sand pipers,
skitter and feed,
so busy, always just
in front of the wave.

you watch them and
wait for the catch.

catch. switch. sweep. see.

                you are the catch

so, dear one, you need
not wait.

you break your own heart.

my cool girl.
the beat inside my heart.

do not be defined
by the world on the
other side of this bridge.

be defined by the universe
inside your soul, the
way the words make you.
the way you make worlds.

shaped by you.
shaping you.

you know,

     spin. sing. soar. spring.
     wave. weave. wing.
     cry. pray. say. fly.

you make yourself.

My daughter is a freshman in high school and navigating the world of relationships ~ friendships, dating, friend groups and break-ups.

And the most important relationship she will ever have, her relationship with herself.  

We all remember receiving the same advice ~ "love yourself first".  It is so simple (and true) but so difficult to navigate.  

And sometimes I feel at a loss to guide my daughter.  Even with all my questing to make a good life, I have found myself in a few abusive relationships and in even more unhealthy relationships (romances and friendships).  I have learned to draw very clear boundaries and my expectations for relationships have shifted.  Finally, I am surrounded by a small circle of healthy people and healthy relationships.  But this shift didn't happen until my late 30's.







I hope my daughter can shift her expectations a lot quicker than I was able to!  So she can use her energy to make an amazing life and to grow her talents, instead of wasting her energy on manipulative people and time-sucking relationships.  And just as importantly, I want her to be the best person she can be ~ a healthy, happy person, stable in her own life and able to be a good friend and a good partner.






As I make this journey, I want to share some resources I have found, in case you find yourself on the same journey and want a place to start.  We all want our children to have a life better than our own, to learn from our mistakes, instead of mistaking our life choices for the "right" life choices.

Good luck and be well ~ love yourself well and love others well.

First things first, how do you know if a relationship is healthy?

This "relationship spectrum" really helps identify and define the health (or lack thereof) in your relationship.  Please click on the image below to explore the spectrum at the original source:




Hopefully the resources above have given you a clearer picture of your relationships and your role in your relationships.  

The graphic below helps solidify what healthy relationships look like:





So, an important step toward creating healthy relationships is being able to identify healthy relationships while at the same time being able to recognize when a relationship is unhealthy.  

Leaving unhealthy relationships is paramount but it is also essential to be able to recognize the aspects within yourself that contribute to unhealthy relationships.  

And this is where you HAVE to learn to love and respect yourself.  I have said it before and I will say it again, "it is just that simple, it is just that hard!"  Once you are able to tend to yourself and care for yourself, you will know how and be able to love and tend to other.!  At that point, you are ready and able to sustain healthy relationships.





So, let's take the most important journey ~ the journey to self-respect and self-love.

These are some resources for cultivating a healthy relationship with yourself:  

How to Develop Self-Love & Why This Will Strengthen Your Relationship (Brad Alexander)

7 Ways to Start a Relationship with Yourself (Amanda Froelich)

Balancing Codependent Tendencies:  Improving Relationships through Self-Care (Yvonne Sinclair)






This is a small place to start ~ the ideas and advice are universal.  The trick is to take the first step, then the next ~ it takes great discipline to make a healthy life.  Every moment you re-commit.  Because at the end of the day, only one person can make your life good. (you know who that person is!)

Happy journeys and best wishes!

i cannot breathe, for the garden in my lungs.

and my heart,
this bleeding heart?

i remember, long ago
it grew over the
door that led down
to the root cellar.

i remember the tornado, and
hiding in the cold, wet.
the smell of stone and rain
drenched dirt.

and the kittens?

"oh, little one,

they have drowned", beneath
the fragile, broken hearted
blooms, laid open and
to rest,
 by the hand of the wicked wind.

and usually, in the wind
I find my friends.

the feathered ones and the spinning
ones, the silent floating seeds that
 will find a new world or
create a new world.

sometimes, the very thing
that makes us,
breaks us.

and perhaps we are born again,
or perhaps we sleep in the heavy
peace of those that do not remember.

or maybe, we are holy, and what we
were returns into the soul of the universe.

so we continue, but we do not know
ourselves, or recognize even a shard.

           i remember a girl,
           and she was mostly forgotten.
           even in her own time.

           a gone girl.

           one day, another girl who was
           always remembered, said, 
           "your hair looks nice today"

           and the forgotten one, felt
           the sun shine on her face.

           and every day, after that one day,
           she wore hair in the same way.

           and she prayed that some one would notice
           her and say,
           "you are nice today"

i wince when i think of her,
i hope she found her sun.
i hope she remembered that
she is her own shine.

today the daffodils bloomed, one at a time.
right before winter returned.

together we will be yellow in this
white storm.  it is still many days
before the black storms.
these will be my darkest days.
the days of the great cleansing.

time to let it go.

time to step into the drift,
on the other side,

a bleeding heart,
laid open,
soft and fragrant,
against a sky full
of bruises and light.

and so here it is,
the storm that was foretold.

we have nothing left do,
but to walk on the sand.

i know what lives in the sea,
i know what goes to the ocean
to die.

to feel the salted water
beneath our questing feet.

this is not the mythic tale.
we are not liars,
we pick the dandelions and
wish on their soft, white
promises.

promise me; then "promise me" again.

this is the bible of my belief.
black leather with these
little gold letters.

and i believe,
although i know most
promises end up being
lies.

the dangerous
things we make of
each others'
hearts.

this compass tattooed
on my hand.

i was not unwilling.
just unwitting.

i am the ghost in the glass.
full moon waiting
just behind the halo
of clouds, thinning.
disappearing.

we are veiled,
but it is barely so.

i would like to whisper
in your ear,
"people are . . .

                               astounding"

and maybe that is true.

but mostly, dear, sweet heart,


"people are . . .

                              disappointing"