hold me, the snow is coming.

2013 is quickly closing itself, such a doorway, this year.  2013 made clear and apparent that every moment is an opportunity to re-create our reality and to make dreams come true.  I have drawn endless inspiration from those around me, as they face their shadows and fears and move through the darkness into the light.  I love being around people who know how to make a day ~ it creates such a graceful life and I am grateful for it.

This year, I have watched my little girl turn towards womanhood ~ she forever amazes me and humbles me.  I am the most fortunate mother, motherhood has been my most amazing journey.  May I move forward in humility and joy ~ every moment in this life with her is a precious gift.

This year, I turned 40 and just now I have started the journey of honoring myself.   I have turned to face the parts of myself that try so hard to please everyone else, and that force my own true self to drown and disappear.  Maybe I have finally learned that I can't save anyone else, and that I would be doing quite well to save myself!  I have made it a priority to create a safe home ~ a place where I can curl into the quiet corners of the day, a place I embrace and run to when the world becomes a scary place.  It is the best gift I have ever given myself.

And 2013 brought me the gift of soft, sweet love.  Trey, you are a dream come true.  Together we have built a peaceful, joyful space ~ it is an honor to be your partner!

The world keeps turning, the winter holidays shine brightly as we move ever closer to them.  From my heart to yours I send a warm wish ~ may you snuggle into this moment, this very one, and make it yours ~

Much love, sweet friends ~



Sarangi by Hooverphonic



Comatose by Timmy Curran

2013 witnessed a vast decline in the monarch population ~ time to wake up people.  2014 is going to involve more community action on my part to create a sustainable Earth where my lineage can experience the lessons of the butterfly.


Go to the website.

Drip by Charlotte Martin




Marys of the Sea by Tori Amos

For Marylyn ~ in thanks for the garden she left inside of me.




Job's Coffin by Tori Amos and Natasha Hawley

For Ella, and the inspiration she gives me to always get better and to heal the wounds ~







Somebody Loved by The Weepies

For Trey, who has given me every gift that love can give ~





Strange Little Girl by The Stranglers

Strange Little Girl covered by Tori Amos

For my friends at Rag and Bone ~ I love all of us and our strange little fascination with the dusty things others throw away ~ United we create something quite strange and beautiful!




Seven Shades of Blue by Beth Nielsen Chapman




5 Years Time by Noah and The Whale





Breath of Life by Florence and the Machine





Fishing in the Morning by Dar Williams

Goodbye, Grandpa ~ I will never forget going fishing with you in the morning.  Thank you for teaching me how gentle and kind a man can be.  You are my hero, and always will be.





Never Let Me Go by Florence and the Machine




Make a Noise by Katie Herzog

For my psychs ~ we have been through almost 2 decades together and every year that brings us all together in time and space is a good year!



Comfort by Deb Talan

so sweet, the cinnamon sweep.
I have been to visit l'apothecaire.
J'ai eu la vision.

Je sais que l'empoisonneur.

the long ago girl sits in the alabaster tower,
one small wooden table,
one simple chair.
Sitting in a swirling, silent world;
eyes fixated high above her head,
watching the robin nest window.

so cold, the medica breeze,
I have been to visit l'apothecaire.
I have had a vision.

I have seen the garroter.

the one who loved me most, lingers in
the soft darkness of night.  black hair blowing,
she is surrounded by white moon flowers.  
she is soft glow in the middle of the freeze,
she goes down the path before me.
she disappears before I learn how to see.

the butterfly road is mine to take,
it is a bitter medicine, it is the milkweed drink.

I have seen the town below the mountain.
it is a chaos of blood and bone,
I am no sister of Ado, I will not look back.

the water has been devoured by flame.
justice is doled out in due time, but
I am not the one who holds the scales.
that is not how I am made.

I was made to drink the medicine.
I was made to change the tide.
I am born of the monarch and
kissed by the lightening strike.

I am the weaver of dream,
sewing airy aspirations into the
fabric of reality, I breathe
on hope, soft ~ soft.

then tie it quietly into carbon time.

This is dedicated to my sisters, who have been down the same road as me. 

Even though we don't see each other every day, I somehow feel we move through our days with our arms linked.

Thanks for all the gifts you have given me!

Here is a small gift for you.  Some of the things that have helped and supported me as I have been on this spiraled, healing journey.

The music is highlighted in yellow ~ just click on the large yellow words (song title or artist names) and you will be taken to the song on YouTube.

With love from me to you ~

 

 

It's June ~ perfect time for a road trip ~


Hope you all have some time to teeter on the edge!

Directions for use:

     1.  Fill up your tank with gas
     2.  Pop mix CD into your CD-player
     3.  Sing and drive in the direction of Highway 1
     4.  Revel in the teetering!



1.  Hero ~ Regina Spektor

(all titles are links, click to get to the songs :)


2.  Born To Hum ~ Erin McKeown

"Once in a while I complain to myself,  Nothing gets done, Nothing's in place: I would rather hum"



3.  I Don't Know ~ Lisa Hannigan 

I didn't know, but now I do ~


4.  Fun for Me ~ Moloko

Now I know what space men do with you, once you are in their ship :)


5.   Cooling ~ Tori Amos

"So then I thought I'd make some plans
The fire thought
She'd really rather be water instead"


6.  Radio ~ Lana Del Ray

My life is sweet like cinnamon ~


7.  Hey Na Na ~ Katie Herzig

Let's spend some time this summer, floating in the fountain of youth . . . .


8.  Never Let Me Down Again ~ Depeche Mode

Let's drop the top and take a ride ~


9.  Colorblind ~ Natalie Walker

"pour me out, from inside"


10.  Mad About You ~ Hooverphonic

b/c he sent me this song, and took my breath away ~ ~


11.  Best Day of Your Life ~ Katie Herzig

"Come on, jump out the door
You can't hold it down no more
I'll show you how the birds learned how to fly
Don't mind leaving your nest
Don't mind making a mess
This might be the best day of your life"


12.  Gotta Have You ~ The Weepies

"I wanna make a ray of sunshine, and never leave home"


13.  Any Other Name ~ Thomas Newman 

because this is the only life we have . . .  these are our moments . . . we choose the music we set our dreams to . . .


14.  Home ~ Lisa Hannigan



15.  The Way I Am ~ Ingrid Michaelson

"Cause I love the way you say good morning.
And you take me the way I am."



16.  Born to Die ~ Lana Del Ray

"Come on take a walk on the wild side
Let me kiss you hard in the pouring rain"

a call out to my inner drama queen :)



17.  High Hopes ~ The Vespers

because at heart, I will always be a country girl



18.  You and I ~ Ingrid Michaelson

I do think you are cute and funny :)



19.  Sweeter Than This ~ Katie Herzig

"Life is boxes in back of our car,
Driving around with the dreams in a jar
And it's all right here"




and with a dream in our pocket and a used tent in the backseat ~ we embark ~ not even knowing what the evening will bring but knowing it will all be good ~ teetering with you is the best thing I have ever known ~

























     




     

he is the gentle weaver.
soft, soft
whispering the warp,
quiet fingers calling
in the waft.
the shapes melt
into the tapestry ~
raw satin edges,
snake skin, moon beams,
heart strings,
silver dreams ~

two women stand before it,
one with dark eyes
one with light.
they say the same thing,
conjoined bird song voices
they are crystal bound and
have found the way home.

but she cannot hear them,
she is long ago dreaming,
and has already jumped off the
cliff. she taught herself to
stitch tiny spells into her
soft skin ~ the pain felt
better than the void.

it was a travel down the
gravel road made on her
hands and knees ~ tear
stained face and soul filled
with scars.  journey through
the land of ghost and demons.
one to numb you, one to kill you.

if you are brave enough to die
then you will find
the one who knows
how to sing you back to being.

it is the great shifting and sifting,
it is the quiet eyes re-awakening,
it is the treasure chest song,
it is the blue sky day found
wrapped in the weaver's cloth.

it was the entrance through the
eleven arches, it was the exit
found in dark soul night.  even
with her eyes closed, she found
the way.  only her hands to lead
her home ~ back into the fire lit
safety of the one who weaves.

safe, safe, protected in the gentle
back and forth of his wave ~
his hum heard loud and strong
through all of her tumbled days.

now she sits, the women with
eyes of light and dark stand on
either side, and she watches him
with glow written across her
features ~ timeless, he moves in
the smooth sway of the quiet way ~
he takes the burden, disappears it,
he knows how to create a day.

and the one who had been lulled to
sleep has awakened herself, pulled
herself back into being and in silver
fish gratitude she sings a rainbow note ~

life is animated,
the tones ring with color ~
everything has changed.
look deep into the fabric,
and whisper your true name.
call yourself to yourself,
and fall into the arms
of the one who knows.
ouvrez votre coeur
et entrez
l'atelier du tisserand.

It is the snow melt day.

talk it through and take it over
soft, soft
painting, shifting the shapes
off-rhyme words to divide it

piece it, peace it out

I have taken out the stitches,
the scars are turning to bright
ghosts, I am quilted and lovely -
I am a quiet symphony of delight

she holds the lightening bolt power
crystal prisms, the promised facets,
lighting in sparkle array the shadows
that still sit on your pretty face

I don't have to save you . . .
couldn't even if you needed me to -

"I can re-arrange my own stars"

and I really love that about you -

all those little
all those little altars
all those little altars everywhere

perceptual illusions to glue it together
incidental imagery, practicing your
tactile abilities -

my synapses are a cacophony of
fire and smoke, this grey matter
reality, this crystalline rainbow smile -

scented fragments of meaning -

shifting and sifting, hey baby,
I really want to
loosen your stride -

tangential, was that your intuition,
your initiation?  it was pre-wired
into my beingness - it is in my blood -
I can sell you this little bottle of
spirited away things - snake oil praise -

enumerate my stars, whisper their
names on the back of my neck -

I like your universe hands, I like the
things they say -

our words have a beingness, and you
listen to my truth, giving it a home,
you let me unfold inside the safe space -

you can hold me and my wings, no hand raises
in this space against me - the tears form a river,
and you let them flow to the sea -

solipsis of sophistication, sweet taste of
the heightened day - the hibisicus blooming,
the moqui ball was spirited away by black
panther moving through sunlight sway -

triangles facilitate being, there was an error
in the air - "you can breathe now, you are safe" -

no need to monitor the decline, eating violets
and nastarium, silk ribbons tied into the supine -
slip on in, it is warm on the inside - no worries -

"You can handle snakes,
                                            . . . . right?"

bring me the waterfalling day
take me under, drown in the sway ~
rainbow saturation,
     "Hey, do you believe in 'G'?"

follow pattern waves, fluid rave
Blow me away with words?
you are the crystal cave

"Let's get back to the theory"

Dogma is dogma, not evidence,
if I have access to the oracle,
why would I ask the liar for truth?

I like random, I like elements
thrown in at periodic intervals ~

take the junk factors off the table,
I'm a creative girl, I live outside
the box -

     My heart is smoke
     My heart is water

mass bends space time, you
blow my mind, peppermint
snap swag, ideational fluency ~

slow it down, take my thyme ~

riverbank alightment, chilling
in your yellow carriage, all those
china teacups, all those loosing
brain cells ~ "when the spirit
moves her" he whispers,

"we are emotional creatures,
masquerading as logical beings"

parsimonious explanations
to expand the flow

Grandmother waits for me, tall cliff,
deep cave, she knows i belong inside
with the phoenix fire and the crystal bones.

i felt like i had gotten it all wrong,
i had lockered my voice on the pretty
boy express, he had wrinkled hands
so i thought he was known ~
he loved me,
he loved me to death.

i wanted to remember how to breathe ~
i had to tear open my neck so i could
re-seed the memory ~

"how do you do?"

we are fragments inside this winged
angel design, here is my voice, here
is my echo prize ~ she binds the wounds,
she sings me into the sweet sleep ~
slip under, go so deep you come out
into a new daylight, it is just on the other side.

I am the doe, I am the eagle.
I am the dove, I am the snake.
hold me in both sides of your mind,
and with careful volcano blow
you will start to get the idea,

Divine.

i was gliding on winter wings, over the
steaming water of clear, hot springs ~
i saw the alligators and i forgot how
to fly, i slogged along on top of their
backs, i tiptoed along their danger
sides, until i found my way out, - finding
the way ~ gulping breath, tree top air.

i am standing in the new day ~ cardinal
song to greet me, the taloned one brought
me a skeleton key story ~ karma comes
and goes, she knows some things even i
don't, her price is fair if not easy ~

you must forgive all the debts, every one ~

then she will make sure they are all
collected, in full and with interest ~
go ahead, and call her a bitch ~ you
called me a whore ~ and i am still
standing, I am still me inside of me ~

red woman shimmering in the full
moon light ~ she is claiming her
children, she is calling them home.

we move inside the mountain, my
lineage hangs out in spiral shine,
they are all inside my mind, they
are inside my bones, etched deep,
walking in between the worlds ~

if you are looking for me,
you will find me in the garden,
tree root dreaming

on these nights when I
forget how to sleep,
I light the candles
one, two, three

the star shine looks
down on me; they
love me ~ bare-bone
thin and they want to
feed me

one week ago, I
woke up to a cold
morning, and saw
the doe in the garden,
she stood in soft solidarity
beside Magdalene

my life is full of these
dreams
that are not
dreams

tears fill my eyes and
my heart breaks open
it is the honey bee
treasure
it is the butterfly
medicine

it fills in the holes
left by the shattered
glass

she looks at me, she
knows the name within
my name - my feet have
been charged, they
know the way

so you and I, take
the full moon walk,
and drink owlish wine
out of clay cups ~

we laugh until we cry,
tender hands to draw
closed the tears ~ it
is the sweetest, safest
place to look at the little
girl's sad, hopeful face ~

I have listened, and pulled
out the quiet night tune ~
let's slip out of these heart
break boots, and see what
we can do . . . .

hey, I really like . . .
I really like your yellow
t-r-u-c-k.

I have a basket full of mason jars
and dandelion wine ~

wanna sneak off
and pretend
to get
d-r-u-n-k?

you know I like to take it real slow ~
on your mark, get set, ready . . .

~

I have this little trunk
full of tiny, lost things ~
all these lonely keys ~

they never did find a lock ~
what the fuck is that all about?

I have a history of
falling for demons and
monks - the sparking
edges of a pretty and
sick mind ~ do you mind?

wanna make a bet?

hand me the black book,
been there and back,
riveted by your hook ~

riveted by my hooking ~

can't wait to see how you
make the catch,

can't wait to see how you
throw it back.

every night, when I look
out my window, there
is a bright light moving
from the south to the north ~

it disappears and then begins
its spiral trajectory once again ~

it is just something i know ~

i am sitting on an outcropping
of limestone looking over
the universe lake ~ all water
moves, with slow undulation or
with hurried tripping
toward the sea

i watch the heron, fly
by, three times ~
twice alone, the last
time, not

it is the echo heart
it is the echo start

pebbles in the mind,
ripple reflection, i
have heard stories
about this mirror
behind my eyes

come in closer,
closer, whisper
words, i want to
see ~

i couldn't ask, i
wouldn't have known
how, but somehow
it was just given
to me ~

i told him
i told him about the shatter
i told him about the shattered glass
and he said
it was
okay

laughter is peeling off the wallpaper ~
hold my hand across these snowy miles ~
picking lemon peels off the floor of my
survival ~ kissing lips that are all salt and
sugar ~ tick tock time, hour glass sand ~
we are beach bound and bouncing off
the clouds ~ your hand at the small of my
back and I try to breathe, in then out ~

"Wait until spring . . . "

he sends me pennies in paper envelopes,
skipping across the blue sky days ~
he glues them, tails down onto
green glass buttons ~ he tells me I can
wear my yellow slip or not because he doesn't
really mind, one way or the other ~

I am busy in the orchard, the medicine
pulses through my veins, I am almost
bloodless but that will change with the
warming of the days, I know now to never
kiss a vampire on the neck ~ that is more
knowledge than I had before so that is
something, right?   I still shine inside my
mind, it takes more than some broken teeth
to destroy my lemonade life ~

I am waking up with the truth
of the trees ~ I am me, inside of me, anyone else
who comes inside of me is a guest, and they are to
honor me and mine ~ and I will know how to offer
them the same on silver platter nights ~ but it will
wait, in the cocoon stillness, until the days strike
a balance between the black and the white ~

wait, wait ~ lips poised over lips ~ I will show
you why the sun flares towards the wax and the
wane of the moon ~ send me your morning word
and I will crochet you a small pocket poem ~ it
will keep you warm on cold nights, it will pour
sweetness into your dreams ~ lay it on the floor
and it will fill your room with my voice ~
tonight the moon will hang it all in the balance,
inspiring us toward the coming vision dream,
when winter's ghost wraps around the bones of spring.

it was a long time in
the broken heart cage -
it was a too long good-bye
and a welcome hurricane -
she took the quiet road home -
she gave back the passion kiss -

stumble, tumble through all
those leaves turning - she
was meditating on the green
promise of eternal spring -
holding whispering bones in
her wooden bowls - thinking
mostly of angels and sprites -
she has learned to listen to the
wounds, she will get it right ~

he was quiet in his bare feet -
he knows to remove his boots
when entering the garden home -
he was slipsy, tricksy sweet -
and every day he named a new
color for her - laughing she
found her dancing tune hiding
within his gowlden words -

where others left scars,
he left butterfly kisses -
where others left tears,
he planted laughing flowers -
where others left bruises,
he whispered lemon trees -
where others laid down lies,
he laid out a tea party for two -

"are you ready to go down the
rabbit hole?"

and which pill, my dear?  shall
we be tall or small?

he wraps me in winding words,
lulls me to sleep with incoherent
stories ~ i always wanted to hang
with the
dream king ~

hey, darlin,
the night is soft, soft and
dark but for the light, swilvery moon ~

shush, hush your mind, and fall quietly
into the sweet dreaming ~